Florida (wo)man: 15 things every Floridian grows up learning

1. How to face an alligator

It is no secret that Florida is crawling with alligators of all shapes and sizes. Growing up, it was not unusual to receive helpful tips from my teachers on what to do if ever faced with one of these reptiles. The parents of Florida children educate their kids from a young age on best practices and avoidance techniques. Each summer, local news stations even broadcast entire segments on the latest research of how to fend off a gator and the most recent attacks on humans and pets. They sum this up with the latest captures. Gator hunting is not only legal, but completely encouraged by the state government. Every so often, these hunters are interviewed alongside reportings on world news events. A true Floridian doesn’t register this as being strange in the slightest.  

2. The importance of air conditioning

With summer temperatures soaring upwards of 100 degrees Fahrenheit and with over 90% humidity, walking outside basically feels like climbing into a Finnish sauna. There is nothing comfortable about your clothes becoming drenched within 5 minutes of stepping foot outdoors. Being the evolutionary beings we are, we have learned to avoid this heat at all costs. Every house, store, restaurant, hotel, business, etc. is cooled to arctic temperatures. You won’t catch a Floridian wandering out in the wild in the prime heat of the day. We leave that nonsense to the tourists. 

3. The dangers of swimming

For the alligator problem alone, swimming in freshwater is entirely discouraged. Gators aren’t the only problem, however. There is an abundance of poisonous and constrictor snakes slithering through the state. Unfortunately the danger doesn’t stop at lakes and rivers. While Florida might have some of the most beautiful white sand beaches in the world, those warm waters are home to a high concentration of sharks. New Smyrna Beach, on the gulf coast, often tops the charts as the shark attack capital of the world. 

4. Dressing for winter when you barely have seasons

There is a reason Florida is known as the sunshine state. With its close proximity to the equator, temperatures range from hot to comfortably warm most of the time. When ‘winter’ hits, it makes the news. It’s not so much a full season as it is a series of cold fronts. The minute it drops below 70 degrees, everyone pulls out the hoodies, jackets and jeans. When it reaches below 60, the complaints start rolling in and stores sell out of hand warmers. Below 50. . . well you can imagine. The scarves, hats, gloves are unpacked and the debates on whether snow might be possible become workplace conversation. People start to get creative with their layering. . . The fear of freezing kicks in for Floridians. If ever there were proof of a true Floridian, here’s a photo of me in my unicorn onesie in the winter. Note the addition of flip flops. A true Florida person will put on a million layers before exchanging the flip flops for proper shoes.

5. The joys of the Publix sub

Publix is a chain grocery store, specific to the south of the country. In Florida we have them everywhere. It’s hard to go a couple miles in any residential area without seeing at least a handful of these stores. Sure, they have all your normal grocery foods, usually overpriced, but the real appeal here is the pub-sub. Publix sub-sandwiches are something of a legend. Getting a sub to go and eating it for lunch on the beach is that nostalgic feeling of joy that keeps us returning time and time again. 

6. How to drive defensively 

There are a million reasons why driving in Florida is stressful. The random thunderstorms that arrive with no warning; a huge population of elderly people who shouldn’t be driving anymore; the tourists and snowbirds clogging up the highways, often lost in the complex highway system or debating the merits of toll vs. non-toll roads; the tired long distance truck drivers swerving all over the roads; the 16-year old drivers with fresh licenses; turtles, alligators, bears, deer and dogs/cats crossing the streets. Because of all these things, we learn to drive with extreme caution, sometimes verging on reckless. The number of times I’ve swerved away from a near accident is concerning. On the bright side, my defensive driving skills often come in handy when driving around the world. If the bar is set low, everything else tends to feel easy.

7. Surviving sunburn

Remember that little label Florida carries as the sunshine state? Well the power of the sun is no joke! Carrying around sunscreen becomes a habit out of necessity. I’ve seen some pretty nasty sunburns. The unsuspecting northerner who didn’t think he needed to lather up finds himself with lobster red skin, or in some cases, sun blisters. It’s important to take Florida’s latitude into account when thinking about the strength of the sun. This leads me to my next point:

8. The danger of leather seats in the car

Floridians know it’s downright dangerous to have leather seats in a car, especially if not parking in a garage. Of course, people still have them. But unless you’re keeping that thing out of direct sunlight at all times when the air conditioning is off, the chances of burning yourself the second you slide in are high.

9. The importance of hydration

Underestimating the sun’s power is the downfall of many tourists. Every summer there are record numbers of beach and theme park goers dialing the emergency number due to heat stroke or dehydration. Even if you don’t think you’re thirsty, drink some water throughout the day! All that humidity and heat you’re facing dehydrates at a fast rate.

10. How to hack the theme parks 

Tourism is our biggest industry, especially when it comes to theme parks. Disney World, Universal, Busch Gardens, Six Flags. . . we have a little something for everyone. If you grew up in central Florida, like I did, you will always know a friend or family member that works at one of these places. If you’re lucky, they’ll have free tickets they’re willing to share with you. I grew up in Orlando. All my friends started getting jobs at 16. My high school years were spent treating Disney and Universal as a teenage playground, avoiding the tourists and lines, anticipating the crowded moments and taking advantage of the quieter ones. This is a very Central-Florida kid experience.

11.  Dealing with snowbirds and transplants

If you don’t know what a snowbird is but spend a lot of time in Florida, you might be one. Snowbirds are the names given to all the people, usually older adults, who flock to the south the moment the stirrings of snow can be sensed in their hometown. It’s as consistent and cyclical as the migration of birds in the winter. These people often have second homes in Florida and even second doctors so they can get all their prescriptions while living part time in our state. They return home when the snow has melted at the end of spring. Transplants are those that have moved to Florida from out of state permanently, often for retirement, or because they always wanted to live their ‘dream’ life.  Even though Florida is used to this mishmash influx of non-locals, it can be very wearing in the peak seasons. A lot of these people are quick to tell you that they’re basically Floridians since they’ve been commuting to or residing in Florida for X number of years. This is just not true. Florida born residents always know the difference. We accept them and learn to work with/around them, but we don’t adapt their habits. 

12.  Preparing for hurricane season by also planning a party

Snow days are a thing of myths, but hurricane days are very real. The best part for a kid? Days off of school! Of course some hurricanes do result in dangerous and extensive damage that people never recover from. In the past this has been more the exception than the rule. Most hurricanes tend to drift by with little to no damage. The prep for this is all done as the store shelves are emptied of all non-perishable items. Candle and flashlight sales soar. Floridians know how to prepare for a hurricane of the worst kind, but we also take it in stride as a part of normal life. For this reason, we treat those surprise holidays from work and school as skip days. Neighbors hold bbqs, surfers hit the waves for the high surf, house parties are thrown. Even restaurants and bars often extend their hours because they make such great money. We like to turn it into time for family, friends and community wherever we can. We turn on the weather channel and watch it like the reality TV it turns into for such events. A disheveled weather man or woman always takes a tumble in the high winds at some point, quickly becoming a meme for the rest of the year. 

13.  Love bug season is the bane of our existence

If you’ve never seen a love bug, consider yourself lucky. They are an invasive species that can’t be avoided when the hot months hit. Every summer they multiply and cover everything. They end up smashed on the fronts of cars destroying the paint if not removed in a semi-timely manner. Like most insects, they are just unpleasant all around.

14.  Driving in torrential downpours  

If you don’t like the weather, just wait 30 minutes. Because of the climate and proximity to the ocean on almost all sides, Florida is often prone to aggressive weather. Rain is known to sneak up out of nowhere on the clearest of days. Heat-lightning storms sometimes light up the night skies. Tornadoes can hit at seemingly random times. The good news about this is that it’s often over almost as soon as it begins. 

15.  The art of chilling out

The biggest sign you grew up in Florida? You know how to relax, let go and have fun. There’s something about living in a vacation destination that wires a different mindset. Floridians can relax with a bonfire on the beach or dance the night away at a club with little concern about work the next day. The no worries mindset is embedded in the culture. We enjoy a good karaoke session or volleyball on the beach as much as the tourists, even soaking up a little of that vacation energy.